


Living

by TheNinth



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Mentions Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-12
Updated: 2008-08-12
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:04:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNinth/pseuds/TheNinth





	Living

If anyone were to ask Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard if he ever thinks about suicide, he would narrow his eyes, sneer a little, and ask if they were crazy. But the truth of the matter is he thinks about it a lot. Hell, anyone who's seen him take on the Wraith or jump head-first into just about any other dangerous situation will tell you that John Sheppard is a man with a death wish.

Except he's not. He's not a man with a death wish and he's not suicidal in the least.

See, thinking about it is one thing. He thinks about it from a clinical point of view. Method and means. Back on Earth, after Afghanistan, there were times when he'd be cleaning his gun and just stare at the oiled metal and wonder what it would be like to just put it in his mouth and pull the trigger. He'd known guys who'd eaten their guns. Guys who couldn't cope. Guys who couldn't see any other way out. Some of them were guys John admired. He thought they were smarter, cooler, more together than he was until they pulled the trigger. Or strung themselves up. One guy swallowed a handful of pills and ended up being talked about as "taking the pussiest way out."

Questionable grammar aside, Sheppard had to admit it really was a soft option.

He'd thought about it since they came to Atlantis. Again, looking at his gun and knowing he'd rather go out that way than a Wraith draining him. He'd rather die by his own hand (or at the hand of one of his team) than to give a Wraith a chance at going a little longer.

He'd also thought he'd take that option if Carson or Keller were to tell him he'd never be able to return to active duty until Rodney made an off-hand comment that his ATA gene meant even crippled, one-handed, and blind he'd probably still be able to pilot a Jumper.

It was really kind of creepy that Rodney just blurted that out one day, without any sort of prompting from Sheppard.

It's things like that that make John Sheppard want to keep living - the weird, insane, sometimes dangerous thought processes of Rodney McKay, the weird, sometimes lethal calmness of Teyla and Ronon. The weird, sometimes dangerous, sometimes lethal, always insane life in Atlantis. Sheppard never knows what's going to be around any corner, behind any door, or on the other side of the gate, but there's only one way to find out.

He's got to keep on living.


End file.
